Selling My Soul

In order to work for Corporate America, I have to sell my soul.

The archetypal Devil appears before me (he always looks like a red, horned version of my father--is that weird?): His goatee splits into a wide grin.  His clawed hands hold a nefarious blue pen (I don't like black ink). His other hand holds a scroll, which he unravels with a flourish.

"Sign here," he says to me. "if you DARE. . .bwah ha ha ha."

And I, like the little lost girl in just about every movie with a Devil in it, lean over and scrawl my name onto the parchment.

The ink flashes; it sears the parchment. when my eyes clear, I see my name has been burned into the document.

Manacles snake out from the floor. They close on my wrists, pull me down into a sitting position. They press my hands to a keyboard. Grey padded walls loom up around me. Industrial berber carpet slides in under my feet.  I scream: "No-o-o. . ."

Yeah, that's how it is.  I have a day job "greenwashing". Greenwashing is like whitewashing a business with an environmentally-friendly sheen, when the rest of the company works to turn valuable resources into products that you don't need that it can sell you. I find loopholes. I find ways that well-intentioned environmental rules should not apply to a company. I gather compliance information when we can't get out from under a regulation, but only after I have thought up every conceivable way it might not apply.

And I'm damn good at it.

I drive to work, either in our car or on the moped. I'm working on the electric bike so I can ride my bike to work, but right now the hills are too damn steep for me to ride up.

I buy clothes so I can look decent at my job.

I spend hours in front of the TV, trying not to wish my life away one workweek at a time.

Yes, I also work on this blog, and several others. I'm actively growing our new businesses. I'm actively working on our careers. But most of the time, I'm living a lie in the corporate world. I'm pretending that I want to get ahead in the rat race. I'm pretending I give a shit. I'm pretending it doesn't hurt to want to be proud of what I do, but being embarrassed by it instead. I'm pretending it doesn't rip my soul apart to be working against rules I actually believe in, to be surrounded by people who care about keeping up with the Jones' or the Kardashians or whomever else.

I'm pretending the fluorescent lights and computer screens don't exacerbate my migraines.

Now, before this goes too far into "woe is me", I'm grateful to have a job, and a well-paying one at that. I'm grateful that, if I don't get my children, I'll be able to start saving up this big ol' paycheck so we can get our land for our self-sustaining ranch/farm/hippie paradise. I'm grateful that they really like my lies. I'm grateful I'm not dependent on this company, like Chinese people often are; this company is not where I live. It can't make me a slave.

But there's something really disheartening about working against  your beliefs. I really feel like I'm selling my soul for a paycheck. If so, the paycheck is not nearly enough. Are you selling your soul?

The Problem Is Everyone Is Trying To Make a Buck

The problem is that everyone is trying to make a buck...and I won't exclude myself from this: part of the Revolution, part of Bucking the American Dream, is that we find alternative ways to support ourselves and our families.

But too many people, companies, organizations out there are simply trying to make a buck, even if that seriously harms people.  For example, I was looking up information on food sensitivity. I have a strong suspicion that I'm lactose intolerant, or at least very sensitive to lactose. It has actually stopped me from drinking milk or eating ice cream (the latter is a good thing), because my belly hurts after I eat/drink these things. Cheeses can cause me problems, too. Pizza definitely bloats me, but I'm also like a pizza crackhead, so part of that may be just eating way too much pizza.

In any event, frozen yogurt, ice cream, milk, some cheese. . . these things all hurt me and make my insides go nuts.

I also wonder if I'm sensitive to gluten, because I can get very swollen on grains, very suddenly. Bread of any kind is not my friend. But I love, love, love dry cereal, even "healthy" ones like Kashi.

So, in any event, I have these concerns and was wondering how I find out if I am sensitive to these things, without, you know, torturing myself by eliminating them and re-introducing them and seeing how I feel (which seems like a lot of work, and I just bought active culture yogurt and I really want some, even though it will keep for another week or two just fine).

So I googled "science food intolerance."

And I got this site, from a pharmacist, disclaiming the food intolerance testing (IgG) industry.  The article says, in a nutshell, that IgG testing doesn't make sense, because IgG is a sign of tolerance in the body, not intolerance. So it's outlawing foods to which your body has actually grown accustomed (and therefore, isn't reacting negatively to anymore).

Now, I've listened to Dr. Oz and to Dr. Hyman, and both of them talk about "leaky gut", where, through inflammation, your body actually allows food particles into your bloodstream, your body freaks out, and it creates the IgG to allow you to, you know, keep living.

So the "Science-Based Medicine" site isn't comparing apples to apples, here.  It *is* true, though, that both Dr. Oz and Dr. Hyman have their hands in our pockets. They are really more infopreneurs than anything else: they give you lots of information and then subtly (or not-so-subtly) endorse products which you then are happy to buy, sending them a nice little kickback.

But the pharmacist can't sit there and pretend his industry isn't doing the exact same thing. When was the last time you went to the Dr.'s office and didn't see ads everywhere for drugs? If you didn't see them, then you were looking at your smartphone the whole time. The office is plastered with these things, and the Dr. is endorsing them by allowing them to be there.

So it comes down to: which side do you believe? Both are hucksters, IMHO.

Half of the "peer reviewed" science papers are paid for by pharmaceutical companies. Actually, more than half. And a whole bunch of those are paid for, or approved by, the big food companies (who are the ones purveying the unhealthy shit we're eating).

So what it boils down to is this: we can't take anyone's word for it. They're all bought. I'm bought, in my own way, as well. I'm writing this because I also want you to buy a book, or click on an advertiser, or find some way to help me live a life independent of the hucksters so I can stop being one, too.

We can't abdicate responsibility for our bodies. If I want to find out if certain foods are bothering me, I'm going to have to do the work of eliminating swaths of foods that are common to intolerance, and then slowly re-introducing foods that might be problematic to determine if they actually are. Starting "tomorrow" of course, because I have a bag of cereal next to me, strawberries, vinaigrette salad dressing (store-bought) and a Shake-N-Baked pork chop in the fridge.

And yes, I'm laughing at myself for wanting the world to change when I am so slow about the same process.